Much like Robyn, I've become increasingly frustrated with Windows Live Spaces.  Paritcularly with the fact that many people who've wanted to leave me a comment have been unable to do so.  And since we know it's all about showing the love...
I'm moving back to blogger!  I am a fickle, fickle woman.  Wanna come?  :-D
The new (old) addy is:  http://muirnait.blogspot.com  Party at my place!

I am desirous of many things. It's about time to get to work on the birthday/Christmas list too. But I have to say? This? Is going right at the top.
(If you don't get it?  I don't know if we can be friends anymore.  ;-)  jk.  Btw....hi Amanda!  I bet you will!!)

Well, the concert went quite well, aside from a couple huge mistakes, which were really more funny than anything. Like poor Ed, who couldn't get his bass intro after - I swear - half a dozen tries. I hate getting a brain freeze like that! Or Ryan...he forgot how the last song went and sent us on a merry little chase heh. But all in all, I'm really happy with how it turned out, and I've got some more money to get recording. So, I'll leave you with a couple pictures from tonight...

For your viewing pleasure:
Me, pretending I'm not that tired.
Me, giving up and admitting it.
And...the pretty pretty (and good-smelling) flowers from Eileen's garden.

AAAANND...msn is mean.  Go see Flickr, mmmk?

I haven't had butterflies in my stomach for a very long time.  But I do today.  Good grief, I'm nervous.  I really hate having an upset stomach though.  It kinda messes with the whole deal.  I need to eat something, but just the thought...*shudder*  I didn't sleep well last night, and I'm just feeling kinda oogy all over.  I hope I remember everything on my to do list!  Wish me luck, eh?  Today's the "big day."

I'm so frustrated with myself, with school, with everything.  I've got too much going on.  I'm so excited for the concert on Sunday night, but I'm also terribly nervous.  Of course, my typical response to stress is to hide.  It doesn't really accomplish much, I assure you.  The next week is big, musically.  I have dress rehersal, the concert, then recording on Monday.  I have some money for recording, enough to start anyway.  And that is such a blessing.  I'm grateful.  But I feel like I should be more...something.  More excited?  More positive, more ambitious?
And school!  Only three classes, and yet it seems ridiculously overwhelming.  Maybe it's just because it's midterms?  The hardest thing for me seems to be just to go.  It shouldn't be this challenging, I think.  And yet, I truly don't believe it's in my long-term best interests to pursue a withdrawal.  I want to, need to succeed at this.  I have spoken with counselors who agree that I need to keep moving forward.  I will, after all, likely be dealing with this disorder for the rest of my life.  I'll continue to seek out help and the best possible medications, but have not yet achieved that balance.  As such, I find I'm in the position of asking, yet again, for grace from my professors.  Grace from the people around me.  Try to understand, I'm trying to get it right.  I know I'm further off than some - missing the mark.  Mostly, more than anything...divine grace.  Strength for one more day.  Abba?  Help - I need grace.

Well, I've worked a bit with a new MySpace page, just for the music factor, so please, go check it out, and tell your friends.  ;-)

http://myspace.com/heatherpollockmusic

So, time to do this again eh? Sharon sort of reminded me.

                I am thankful for...

                            ....love.
                            ....laughter.
                            ....family.
                            ....friends.
                            ....good food, good wine and good company.
                            ....my sister Emily. Happy birthday, baby.
                            ....grace.
                            ....the chance to learn.
                            ....a late class tomorrow.
                            ....my warm sweater.
                            ....the fact that I found my slippers.
                            ....a warm bed.
                            ....sensing a theme yet?

                                                                            Goodnight.

Well, I finally wrote the essay that's been kicking my butt for heaven knows how long, and I honestly think I did a pretty good job.  We'll see when the grade comes of course, but for now, I'm happy about it.  Now, off to class to hand it in.  And after that, about a million other things, but no, I'm not stressed; of course not.  Well, that would be silly.  Ha, ha. Ha ha haha hahahhahah...*toddles off maniacally.*

People, it feels like my head's gonna 'splode.  Is yucky.  And owie.  And I'm a big baby.  So, I'm going to bed, even though I can't sleep.  Buh bye.

Heyas.  So, this weekend involved some studying, and some sleeping, and some hangoutitude.  It was rad, I'm sure.  Friday night was girls' night (Throughout the night, Emily, Camille and I, then Becca and Leah), hitting two different restaurants for appies with two different groups of friends (Um water please.  And not cuz I'm cheap lol)  Saturday night was the YA games night, where we played some crazy circle game that has my thighs aching from all the times we got in and out of the chairs, then I Have Never (that means more up and down.) then Sardines (in the dark!) and Cops and Robbers.   It was pretty sweet.  Afterwards, the Andrews, Emily, Becca, Brent and I went to BP and enjoyed the specials. 
Sunday morning was church, heard the new pastor preach for the first time.  Not too shabby.  I think he has a very professorial air.  I haven't "met him" met him, just yet, but so far, I like him.  Sunday afternoon we had a vocal rehersal for my upcoming concert, in which Jen, Mike and I had way too much fun.  We probably spent just as much time chatting and laughing as we did singing, but we still managed to get quite a bit done.  I then took some chicken soup and Vitamin C to Vander, who is sick, and since his mum lives in Rossland, I thought he could use some mothering.  And plus, I'm a big dork.  And then?  It was super exciting what happened next:  I went to sleep!  Woo!
Then today!  Today was so exciting.  Do you know why it was so exciting?  Want me to tell you?  *gets smacked* Oh.  Ok.  Moving on then.  I went riding!  Yay!  My visit to Laura, which was supposed to happen Saturday, had to be posponed due to an abundance of work on her part.  But we rescheduled for today, and I had a blast.  She has five horses, three llamas, three cats and two dogs.  I spent the most time with the two golden retrievers, some time cuddling with Shea, the kitten, and of course plenty of time with Sydney, the Clydesdale whom I wrote.  I went bareback, since we didn't have a saddle.  So just in case I wasn't sore enough from the games at YA, I had to throw some perching on a seventeen hand horse.  We didn't do much more than a slow trot, but considering I hadn't ridden in seven years, that was probably a good place to start!  I talked with Laura and her Mum, and we plan to all go for a ride again.  Yay! 
Also, I finally posted a few pics up at Flickr, so please, go have a look.  Now, it's my bedtime!  Ciao.

Driving home tonight, I was kinda tired, and when I get tired, for some reason, I get really, um, snuggly.  Poor Brian can attest to this heh.  It was just kinda one of those lonely moments though, the times when, driving home, I wish I had someone to go home to.  And in order to make it even worse, I've come home to listen to sappy music.  So, I'll share, and ya'll can sap it up with me...

Bring It On Home
Little Big Town

You've got someone here
Who wants to make it all right
Someone that loves you more than life
Right Here
You've got willing arms that'll hold you tight 
A hand to lead you all through the night 
Right here
I know your heart can get
All tangled up inside
But don't you keep it to yourself

When your long day is over
And you can barely drag your feet
The weight of the world
Is on your shoulders
I know what you need
Bring it on home to me

You know I know you
Like the back of my hand
And you know I'm gonna do
All that I can right here
Gonna lie with you
Till you fall asleep
When the morning comes
I'm still gonna be right here
Yes, I am

So take your worries and
Just drop them at the door
Baby, leave it all behind

When your long day is over
And you can barely drag your feet
The weight of the world
Is on your shoulders
I know what you need
Bring it on home to me

Baby, let me be your safe harbor
Don't let the water come
And carry you away

When your long day is over
And you can barely drag your feet
The weight of the world
Is on your shoulders
I know what you need
Bring it on home to me

Oh, bring it on home
Oh, bring it on home to me
Home to me
Oh, bring it on, bring it on home
to me

You've got someone here wants
To make it all right
Someone who loves you 
More than life 
right here

Some days, it takes more effort to get out of bed than others.  Today was one of those days.  But I did it. Got up and showered and went to class - I was late, but that was the fault of an MVA on the way that held me up for ten minutes.  I kinda feel like I deserve some sort of prize.  Lame, I know.  But hey, baby steps.  Maybe my reward will be the fact that I'm going to visit my friend Laura and her horses tomorrow.  I'm pretty stoked about the chance to ride, as I haven't done it in years.  Of course, the fact that the horse I'm to ride is enormous (16h3) both reassures and terrifies me.  Reassures, for her sake, that I won't break the back of a Clydesdale...terrifies, cuz, well, I haven't ridden in 7 years so I'm gonna start out on a 1700 pound animal?  Yeah, sounds like a great idea. heh.  Maybe I'll just reward myself with a nap, instead. 

Good things:

• It's sunny out.
• My profs don't, in fact, hate me.
• My mum took me for breakfast and shopping yesterday.  I got a hoodie and some pretty things from La Senza, and best of all, some time with Mum.
  
• My audition for the Christmas play went well.  (I think...let's not be too presumtuous.)
• Fresh cut grass is a good smell.
• The ring I'd been waiting for finally came in the mail.
• I remembered to charge my iPod, so I have tune-age between classes today!
• I have family, food to eat and a roof over my head and a car to drive and so much more than millions of people all over the world.
  
  

And I'm grateful.  And happy.  Today is a good day.  So no matter how much last night, or the days before that, may have sucked, today I will choose to look forward and smile.  I will, after all, survive.
Now I just have to stop myself from falling asleep on my place on the grassy knoll between AE and the CAC, and actually get to Statistics class. 

I've been told I'm not good at accepting criticism.  I know this, but what I don't know is how to change it.  I know that I'm hurt too easily, but I don't see how to fix it other than to have higher self esteem, which, yeah, that'd be nice.  My list of issues about myself to fix is just so long that I don't even feel like trying.  I want people to love me just as I am, the way I honestly do love so many people.  But it seems like that's too much to ask.  So many people have an agenda for me. 
-------------
I wrote this earlier this afternoon.  Feeling better now, really.  Very tired though...running on too little sleep.  So I'm off to remedy that.  'Night.

I want to fast forward.  This part of my life's movie is dull, repetetive, and frankly, a little too much work.  I'm sick of being a student; I'm just not that good at it.  I'm attempting to write an essay, and my mind won't stay focused on one topic for more than five minutes, and that's being generous.
I want to skip it.  I was looking at house plans again today...dreaming.  And I just want to blur past all this monotony and get to a place where I'm doing something that matters.  I want to get my degree so that I can help kids in need, but I don't want to spend the next six (at least) years doing it. 
I'm sick of reading interminable articles meant to simplify the complex issues of human life.  I don't want to deal in generalizations.  I'd rather look at case studies; I'd prefer to deal with real people.  I don't really care what Author X thinks about a particular topic.  I'm not some teenager who needs to be challenged in their undetermined world view.  I know who I am, what I believe, and what I want to do about it.  So I want to get on with it.  I want to start my "real life."  I want to do something that matters. 
I want to fast forward.

Wowsas.  Busy couple of days!  Friday was quality time with Becca, then playing Phase 10, driving through McDonalds and hanging out in skeezy little parks on the north shore with the Andrews.  Today, YA meeting, Hollywoodland with Robyn, and YA games night, which involved Bible Trivia, then abandoning ship to go out for coffee. 
Hollywoodland was really good.  I didn't expect a nice tidy ending, since it's in fact still an unsolved murder, and I certainly didn't get one.  But Brody was good, and I didn't even want to shoot Affleck in the head all that much. 
Even though I'm home much earlier than last night, I'm still pretty darn tired.  All of this means that I'm too tired to write a real entry, though.  Sorry.  I'll try to do better next time.  Mwah.

Earlier, I was chatting with Robyn, and I was exhausted.  She suggested going to bed.  (Revolutionary, I know.)  I couldn't, I protested, it was only 7pm.  Then I caved, and said, "Why the heck not?" 
Well, this is why.  Hi!  It's nearly two a.m. and I'm awake.  How special is that?  Yes, I know.  Not special at all, really.  I hate having such totally screwy sleep habits.  It affects me in bad, bad ways.  I mean, how hard can it be, to sleep at night and be awake during the day?  Pretty dang hard, apparently.  It also reduces me to blogging nonsensical question and answer rants.  And surpressing the urge to say apparently again.  Everyone has "words", I suppose, that they use with impunity.  Apparently is definitely one of mine.  My stats prof says "Yeah?" constantly.  I could name a few others, but I know when people point out mine, it makes me terribly self conscious.  (see: one of the girls at camp who said, "Hey, you have a lisp!")  Yes, thank you dear, obviously the time in speech therapy was completely unsuccessful.  It's not too bad, really, some people say it's cute (ha!) and it only really comes out when I'm very tired (hence, at camp!) and slurring my words, so I guess it'd come out if I were drunk, too.  I don't seem to have it too bad when I sing.  So maybe I should just stop talking altogether and live my life as though it were a musical?  Hmm...I can just see how well that'd go over with some people. 
Yuck.  Time to take a sleeping pill and try this whole thing again.  Ttfn, m'dears.

I'm hitting that point again where I feel like I should update but I have so little to say!
Today marked the start of my second week of classes.  I had a deep philosophical discussion about the morality of running a red light at 2am with no one around.  That took an hour, and then we moved on to the death penalty.  The latter was significantly more interesting, and I felt terribly smart when I managed to make a few observant and at least seemingly intelligent comments.  Although, I'm sure I've already established my position in the class as The Girl Who Has An Opinion About Freakin' Everything.  Oh, and I'm pretty sure that I'm also quite old compared to my classmates, in this second year philosophy class.  But...oh well.  Life carries on.
(Shh pretend that was an interesting, and slightly more prolific, entry.)

I'm very much in a word-making-up sort of mood.  Hmm? 
So, I started school again this week.  It was kinda fun.  Of course, I've still got two days to go.  But so far so good! 
Today, I had my psych classes, the 309 (cognition) and the 310 (statistics.)  The first was fairly interesting; the prof seems like a, um, special individual.  Even in the first class, I've learned that he's a lapsed catholic with some very strong opinions.  It should be fascinating discovering all the very many ways in which our thoughts differ.  Hopefully, he'll be open-minded enough that it won't affect my grade, as long as I manage to be respectful and intelligent, hopefully he'll be the former.  With a doctorate, I should think he'd be the latter already, hmm? 
I was actually less nervous about all the math in the stats until I got the first class, and it seems as though the prof is a really cool guy.  I mean, he's a huge dork, and he says "Yeah" every five seconds or so, but he gets that we're all arts students who are freaking a bit about the right-brain sort of stuff, and he seems very reasonable as far as marking, going so far as to offer a one-on-one oral exam in place of a written should you desire it.  I don't test too badly, but I can see how this could be an excellent idea for some folks, eh?
I have my second philosophy class tomorrow, which is 50 minutes long and the only class I have, at 3:30pm.  So it is really the laziest day in the history of the whole wide world.  But, I'm still getting up relatively early.
Because?  Winners opens tomorrow!  So I'm picking Robyn up after her (ew) 8:30 class, and we'll be there when the doors open at 9:30.  And it shall be fun.  Whee.
Oh, and I got a haircut too.  Well, several of them really.  I was happy that I only had to take off about an inch to get rid of my split ends.  And Angela (my friend and hairdresser, the latter now that Belinda is *tear* gone.) told me she was a little jealous of my hair, and so was her best friend.  So I may have had a little ego trip out of that.  So on that happy little note, g'nite ya'll.

Hi. I'm making up words. It's the sleep dep talking. It's been a good couple of days, but not so much on the nights with the no sleeping. BUT. I am going to go to bed any minute now, and then I'm going to sleep, hopefully, and it will be beautiful and choirs of adorable baby angels with voices like...well....angels (hey, I tried to think of something else) will sing Handel's Hallelujah chorus until I shoot them with a slingshot, because really, that'd get old pretty fast, and I'm tired and cranky. If those baby angels woke me up? They'd be in for a world of hurt. Just sayin'.
Now, the hopefully sleeping part comes from the whole thing that is to do with the title of this entry which is a word that I'm pretty sure I just pulled out of my *ahem* hat. (I'm really getting hypocritical, because I tend to give others a hard time for the run-on sentences. But see, this is very much freeform, and apparently I think in run-on sentences.)
So, as I was saying: the nervosity. A friend hooked me up with a great opportunity for a music gig. The thing is, the only place I've really played is at church, right? And all my church family just love me and think I'm wonderful. But tomorrow morning, I'm playing in the city park for Labor Day. I got together a wee band, and we're doing about an hour-long set and Oh.My.Word. I am nervous, and I really hope that won't keep me from sleeping, or the world will likely implode. Or at the very least, my head. Could get messy, hmmm? And I wouldn't be able to play, and I'd be so disappointed.
Would you just maybe keep me in your thoughts around the 11am mark? I need all the blessing and luck and whatever else I can get my piano-playin' hands on. And some sleep. I'll attend to the latter right about.....now. Ciao, dahlink.


Updated to add:  Oh.  It is a word.  Apparently even when I'm exhausted, I'm still a dork, cuz I looked it up.  Now, I'm really going to bed this time.  Right....now.
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
See?  Ok, Heather, SHUTUP.  Yeah.  Night.